Original Post Date: Thursday February 8, 2007
Now that I'm a daddy, I have been thinking of how I will screw up this poor kid's life by letting them follow my examples... so I have decided to compose an ever-growing list of truths I have learned over the years in order for them to quickly learn NOT to do what daddy does, and to follow his learned wisdom.
1. Your parents, for the most part, DO know what they are talking about. This was the first (and hardest) one for me to learn, personally.
2. Do NOT drink 3 cups of coffee before driving to work on days that you will get stuck in traffic.
3. Also, Milk and alcohol do not mix. EVER. Nor should you drink them even HOURS apart.
4. Kiss as many puppies/kitties as you can. They have a better grasp on life, and you'll need their friendship.
5. It's OK to borrow money- just NEVER from family OR friends.
6. You can never make action figures explode "cool enough" with fireworks, ever. It only leads to disappointment, and the depletion of valuable childhood collectibles.
7. Also- for goodness sakes- keep a COUPLE of your toys unopened, and in mint condition. This goes for comic books too. You never know when you'll need extra college tuition or a down payment on a house.
8. It's OK to verbally defend yourself from verbal attack, just never attack them back. You never know when you might be in a situation for that person to help you in a time of need.
9. NEVER pick on the geeks or the nerdy. You never know when they will become your boss, or you will need your computer fixed.
10. You CAN NOT paraschute out of your bedroom window with a sheet. TRUST me.
11. While extremely funny and interesting, unless you OWN the microwave and don't care, never put a whole box of Marshmallow Peeps in there. This goes for silverware and pots too.
12. Paste, while an invaluable tool for gluing paper, makes a horrid snack. The results a few hours later are to be avoided.
13. It's not polite to make a beep-beep-beep noise at an extremely overweight person as she attempts to back out of a grocery isle.
14. Do not floor your car's gas while on ice. Aside from the obvious danger sliding around, you may hit dry pavement. Transmissions were apparently NOT designed for that kind of torque difference.
15. Never set anything on fire INSIDE or NEAR a house. Also- Don't shoot fireworks off if there has been a 2 month drought. OK...Just never set ANYTHING on fire, EVER.
16. When something calls for safety glasses (such as shooting a BB gun at a target with a solid concrete backer), go ahead and WEAR them. Looking dumb is the LEAST of your worries.
17. (This one I've learned recently) Don't try to take food from a pregnant lady. Or even talk to a pregnant lady when shes had a bad day. Go ahead and treat them like they are a nuclear device with the clock stopped at .01 seconds...
18. NEVER feed a puppy re-fried beans and leftover taco meat. There aren't enough paper towels in the WORLD....
19. Don't lick a super cold piece of metal. No matter HOW many times you've seen it on T.V.- the results are the SAME as the television, but they only humorously allude to the searing pain you will feel for weeks.
20. Never have sex on a beach WITHOUT PLENTY of towels, no matter how 'spontaneously romantic' you think it would be. Sand is evil.
21. Never try to "jump" your car. Your suspension is NOT the same as the General Lee's.
22. It is NOT cool for little boys to proclaim they like Rainbow Brite to their friends or in public, unless you think they will have a fabulous career as a hairdresser. Also, might want to have them leave their dollies at home, too.
23. DO NOT SWEAR TO YOUR TEACHERS, EVER. No matter how much mommy and daddy do. Yes your family might be cool and use profanity as every-day adjectives, but it's not proper in polite society, and will cause a soapy taste and lots of grounding.
24. Do NOT mouth-off to an officer of the law, even if you THINK you're in the right.
25. Those huge, nasty looking giant Stag Beetles that hold onto objects you stick in front of them pinch HARD - enough to break skin - and they don't let go. Same goes for hermit crabs.
26. Mud pies, while resembling chocolate and are fun to make, are NOT for consumption.
27. Only drink from the hose if YOU are controlling the force at which it is turned on.
28. Diesel cars do NOT like Gasoline. And coincidentally, vise-versa.
29. This one comes from my Grandpa- Keep your tires full, and your oil changed.
30. Dog food & treats were NOT designed with human taste buds in mind.
31. Caller ID has ruined crank calling.
32. Never play water balloon toss in the house. Nor have a squirt gun war. As a matter of fact, ALL water games, outside only.
33. NEVER use the phrase "well then, do it yourself!" with your parents. Also- Never sarcastically say "3!" when parents have already angrily counted to 2...
34. NEVER use silly-string to decorate anything, especially an automobile. Silly string eats paint, and dries harder than diamonds. Repairs are costly.
35. You can NOT outrun a pissed-off dog, no matter HOW small it is.
36. NEVER bring any fauna into the house to show your mother, no matter HOW cute it is. Also- only show dad if you've got some time to kill to learn animal science facts.
37. Never eat/drink something on a dare. This goes for the "3-mile-island" hot wings too. It's just a waste of money, and you'll STILL be hungry.
38. Do not shoot a can of aerosol ANYTHING with a BB gun because you want to see it explode. You are not a military sniper. That's the distance you'll have to be at to avoid any fallout and collateral damage.
39. You are NOT MacGuyver. It's always cheaper in the long run to buy the proper parts, to anything.
40. Items on this list, while possibly humorous, are NOT lies! PLEASE heed them!
this list is still growing...if anyone has any they want to add- post 'em!